Luminosity - the city of Lu-Mina's perverted mind

Today we decided to try and see how well me and him fit on my tiny single bed. Trying to squeeze on and make out at the same time caused him to end up on top of me, my legs spread, him digging his hard on right where it felt so good... We must have spent half an hour lying there kissing, with him on top of me... I was so horny I nearly exploded! I like to think little steps of progress like this are good... get him used to the idea of being in the misssionary position but with clothes, making the same movements with his hips, and pretty soon he''ll realise it wouldnt make much difference for us to be naked, except it would feel even better.
But well....I love him (I almost told him today, and yesterday too, but something is making me hold back from saying it yet. Maybe I want to be sure, maybe I'm waiting til there's a chance he might be able to say it back, who knows?) and I'll continue to wait for him. We do seem to spend every evening making out these days, mostly at his insistence, so I think I'm getting him more and more horny.
Talked to A certain Someone the other day and he said he reckons as soon as me and Shyboy do sleep together, shyboy wont be able to get enough of me and will want sex more often than me, if that's possible ! It's a nice thought.
Sometimes Im curled up beside shyboy, listening to his heartbeat, and his arms are around me, and I think "one day, not too far from now, I'll be your first." and knowing that special moment is almost certain to happen makes me relax more, makes me happy to take it slow, knowing someday we will go all the way.

I've been a bit slow on the updating front... to tell you the truth, there hasn't been much progress to write about. I fear that by the time I eventually sleep with shyboy my readers and I will be old and grey!
He and I seem to be making out with increased regularity these days... but it's all lot's of the same really...rolling round on his bed, him on top of me as hard as can be. I made the attempt to stick my hands down his trousers the other day, and he stopped me kindly but firmly and said he wasn't quite ready yet. He did peel my top off yesterday though, which was good. Meh. I'll have to get back to you guys when something happens I suppose. I do love him, I'm not sure if it's too soon, but I do.

I had an interesting day yesterday as days with shyboy go. It means I'm possibly even furthur from getting laid than ever, but I'll explain that in a minute.
We watched some dvd's in the day... cuddled up on the couch. This seems to have become our activity of choice because I can't really afford to go out at the moment (bit of a money crisis.) He reached out and put his arms around me and I just thought "this is heavenly." I love being held by him, he makes me feel so safe and warm.
I kissed him between episodes of a show we were watching, and we got carried away and he ended up dragging me off upstairs to his bed. We spent a while making out again... it's crazily frustrating in a good way...he gets this wonderfully evident hard on and presses into me when he's kissing me, he ends up on top of me, and his hands roam all over my back, under my top, round my sides, stroking. He hasn't got up the courage to touch my breasts yet but he's getting there, his questing fingers reaching nearer each time. I can't wait til he finally does touch them. When we kiss and he pulls me close they squash between us, held so tight against his chest, it's wonderful. I just get so horny when he's kissing me like he has this huge hunger for me, and I know he wants to make love to me.
Anyway, after a bit we went downstairs and he cooked me dinner, and then I went out to meet my friend so me, shyboy, her and dramaboy (the new housemate) sat around and got very drunk together. We played games, generally had a laugh and talked all evening, and then we all walked my friend home. On the way there it started tipping it down and shyboy lent me his jacket, which was too big for me so I snuggled up inside it, and he didn't mind getting soaked in just a tshirt to keep me warm...I felt guilty but good.
We were all a bit drunk (shyboy knows Im a promiscuous drunk.) and Shyboy and I ended up telling Dramaboy the story of how we got together, the first time me and shyboy had heard the story from each others point of view as well, so I got a chance to explain some of my actions and visa versa. He said some really sweet things about how much he'd fancied me and things.
We ended up playing a computer game in shyboys room, and when dramaboy went to sleep me and shyboy stayed curled up on his bed, and sort of talked for hours. Now this isn't totally clear because I was a little drunk and so was he so not only were we making very little sense but also my memory is foggy today, after sleep, but some of the things we talked about were his worries.

Shyboy's worries:

1: He is worried that because I like sex, if he isn't ready I will get unhappy and sad about it and take it as an insult. He isn't ready yet, he wants to take things slowly, savour all these experiences, make sure it's special and perfect, and he dosent know when he'll be ready so he can't offer me any assurances in terms of time scale.

My answer to this:
I just basically told him that while sex is an important thing to me, and while I want to have sex with him quite a lot, I can wait, without getting unhappy, I can wait as long as he needs. I think I said forever, and he repeated it in a wondering voice, and said he was really touched that I cared so much about him.
I said that he knew I wanted it, so when he wants it, I'm ready.

2: He worries that sometimes he acts like a friend when he's meant to act like a boyfriend, and he wants to keep the two roles seperate and distinctly different. He wants to act like my boyfriend, not just my friend. For example, he worries that when he lent me some money the other day, I might only kiss him because Im grateful rather than because I genuinely like him, but as a friend, he couldnt stand by and not help me out.

My answer to this:
Frankly this one confused me. I think relationships should be based on friendship anyway. I just reassured him that if he's ever unsure about how to act or whatever, he can just talk to me about it. Or about anything.

3:
He worries that when he spends time with the computer I take offence. (how clever of him to notice!) He explained that playing computer games is for when he wants to relive stress and tension, when he wouldnt be in a very nice mood for company.

My answer to this:

I tried to understand this and I do think I understand it better now. I think if were having sex, that relives frustration too, but that's something he can only find out by trying it, and til then I guess I can accept that.

4: He worries he acts too "frigid" and dosent initiate enough physical contact.

My answer to this:
That I realise it's still very new for him, and that we can take things at his pace, but that I do like hugs and kisses a lot, but Im happy to be the one who takes more of the initative.

We also talked about the power balance in the relationship, and lot's of other things and he said some really sweet stuff about how he just gets comfort from knowing I'm nearby and he thinks I'm sort of a part of him, and when I'm happy he's happy, and we talked about jealousy and such (I made him jealous by talking about catboy ) About six am we were both getting quiet and he fell asleep next to me, with his arms around me, so I dozed with him til 7am then got up and went to my own bed. Also, we didn't just talk, we did lot's more making out, more passionate than ever before which was why he was getting worried about the whole sex thing, I guess. I think I'v reassured him that while sleeping with him would be like, heaven, I'm really enjoying the passionate make out sessions on their own merit too. I guess there's no actual rush.

I supposed it's fair to say I'm either in love with him or damn close now. I also think it's fair to say it'll be a little while til we get onto the nookie. The thing is though, somehow the idea of having sex with someone I love, someone who has never been with anyone but me, is very appealing...the idea of waiting til it's perfect and right... it's nice. I mean obviously I'm frustrated too, and horny as hell, I want him soooooo bad. But I also like the idea that this, if anything is worth waiting for, that valuable things have to worked for. It isn't like he said we never would. He just said he wanted to take things slow, not rush. Until then I have my dirty thoughts, I guess, and the knowledge that with every passing day the significance of having sex with him increases. Now it's about more than just lust. It's about loving him so I want to please him with my body. It's about wanting to give him pleasure because I care. It's about wanting him to experience the best things in life. He said he does want to have sex with me more than he liked to admit. I think I make him lose control a bit, and I like it. I make a cautious scientist go wild.

But I can wait. And when it does happen, it'll be like the consumation of all I feel for him, and all he feels for me.

*Snip* The entry that was here is gone now, I was angry when I wrote it. Basically the jist was that shyboy hadn't wanted to spend the evening with me even knowing full well I was busy the next evening so we wouldnt get to see each other til friday. I was pretty cross about it, because I have a job interview this morning so I was really nervous and just wanted to be held, because that's what relationships are for, arent they? So that you have someone there when you are sad or worried? Someone who will talk to you when you are down, who will make time for you? I just felt as if I was just as lonely as I was when I was single.
So you know what I did? I went on msn and started chatting to people, and catboy came online and I only had to barely hint that I was a bit down and worried and he was on the phone straight away. We chatted for about an hour and a half, he reassuring me, talking me through my troubles, cheering me up, reassuring me that I'm not doing something wrong, boosting my ego by complimenting me... I know despite him being a bit too submissive me and catboy were much more compatible than me and shyboy, it was just the distance. Catboy thinks shyboy is a total fool for not wanting to get his hands on me. Meanwhile catboy remains single and sweet natured as ever. He's just so genunely *nice*. I like him more than I have ever liked shyboy, but I fancy shyboy more than I ever fancied catboy, and as for love, well...
I thought the other day when shyboy helped me out in a crisis that I was beginning to be in love with him, that I was pretty much there. I'm not sure if I want to be in love with him though when he's so busy and has so little time for me. I feel very far down his list of priorities. He has loads of spare time, he just dosent think I'm the most important thing to spend it with.

Anyway, when we spoke yesterday, we said "we are very different." We have been discovering that all along. I think the question now is; "are we too different?"

For now, I'm going to say that the difference is something I can deal with. Possibly because I'm hoping things will change, possibly because I'm hoping I will change so that I wont mind, possibly because I'm hoping this has just been a string of unlucky circumstances and soon everything will be okay for me and him. It's way too early to give up now. But geez, it would be nice to be wanted wouldnt it?

All the same, I have to go to an interview today, and I'm really not well, I had a horrible night, so when I come back I'm going to collapse on my bed and put a sign on my door saying I dont want to be disturbed because Im sick. Then I'll have a "me" day slobbing about being nice to myself til my friend Amy comes over tonight, when me and her will open wine and gossip and giggle. Then friday I'll avoid him til I get my hair done. Then I can bounce back and show it to him, looking gourgeous. Hopefully by then I will have given him enough space and time to recover from his interview and been elusive enough to make him want me. I know girls need to present a challenge to keep men interested, so I've probably been making things too easy for him so far.

But really, I shouldnt be having to play these mind and power games. Relationships don't have to be like this. The only time people play mind games is when they feel at a disadvantage, when they dont feel they have an equal footing in the relationship, when they dont feel they have enough influence over the other person. I must be deeply insecure, I guess.

I feel so sure though that were I to sleep with him and teach him the delights of sex, he'd realise I was more addictive than his computer. I was probably the same before I'd had sex...probably didnt know what I was missing, probably wondered why my boyfriends were keener than me. Becuase I know what shyboy is missing, and because he and I cant progress towards sex if he wont see me, I'm frustrated. Guess it'll happen in it's own time. He's very kind to me in other ways, it's just... hang on, a knock at my door.

Aww, he just came to make sure I was all ready for my interview, lent me a nice pen and sorted out my collar. How sweet Really, he is worth it. After all challenging things are the ones that are worth it, right? Valuable things have a high cost.

Shyboy has been away at his interview most of yesterday and today...he's due back at 7 and I'm hoping he isn't going to be tooo tired and not want to kiss me .
Yesterday I had this big crisis with cash and the bank and he sorted it all out for me and was really calm and sweet and reassuring, and I realised I'm pretty much nearly in love with him. This sort of worries me because I know he isn't in love with me yet. On the other hand it's good, because I like being in love, and I'm sure I can keep it to myself for a few weeks.
I'm having my hair done on friday, by a trainee hairdresser, ooh err! So it should look good unless they make a disaster of it. Maybe a night when I'm looking fabulous would be a good night to seduce him.
I dreamed last night that I got him naked but he was really really tiny , so I was trying to give him a handjob but he was so small it was impossible. Whenever he wears tight little shorts I always try and have a look and see if there's a sizeable buldge there, and indeed I'm pretty certain there is, so I'm sure I needent worry about size...as long as he's at least 5 inches alls well, and anyway he puts up with me and all my faults so even if he is like miniscule, I guess I'd have to find ways of making the best of it.