*Snip* The entry that was here is gone now, I was angry when I wrote it. Basically the jist was that shyboy hadn't wanted to spend the evening with me even knowing full well I was busy the next evening so we wouldnt get to see each other til friday. I was pretty cross about it, because I have a job interview this morning so I was really nervous and just wanted to be held, because that's what relationships are for, arent they? So that you have someone there when you are sad or worried? Someone who will talk to you when you are down, who will make time for you? I just felt as if I was just as lonely as I was when I was single.
So you know what I did? I went on msn and started chatting to people, and catboy came online and I only had to barely hint that I was a bit down and worried and he was on the phone straight away. We chatted for about an hour and a half, he reassuring me, talking me through my troubles, cheering me up, reassuring me that I'm not doing something wrong, boosting my ego by complimenting me... I know despite him being a bit too submissive me and catboy were much more compatible than me and shyboy, it was just the distance. Catboy thinks shyboy is a total fool for not wanting to get his hands on me. Meanwhile catboy remains single and sweet natured as ever. He's just so genunely *nice*. I like him more than I have ever liked shyboy, but I fancy shyboy more than I ever fancied catboy, and as for love, well...
I thought the other day when shyboy helped me out in a crisis that I was beginning to be in love with him, that I was pretty much there. I'm not sure if I want to be in love with him though when he's so busy and has so little time for me. I feel very far down his list of priorities. He has loads of spare time, he just dosent think I'm the most important thing to spend it with.

Anyway, when we spoke yesterday, we said "we are very different." We have been discovering that all along. I think the question now is; "are we too different?"

For now, I'm going to say that the difference is something I can deal with. Possibly because I'm hoping things will change, possibly because I'm hoping I will change so that I wont mind, possibly because I'm hoping this has just been a string of unlucky circumstances and soon everything will be okay for me and him. It's way too early to give up now. But geez, it would be nice to be wanted wouldnt it?

All the same, I have to go to an interview today, and I'm really not well, I had a horrible night, so when I come back I'm going to collapse on my bed and put a sign on my door saying I dont want to be disturbed because Im sick. Then I'll have a "me" day slobbing about being nice to myself til my friend Amy comes over tonight, when me and her will open wine and gossip and giggle. Then friday I'll avoid him til I get my hair done. Then I can bounce back and show it to him, looking gourgeous. Hopefully by then I will have given him enough space and time to recover from his interview and been elusive enough to make him want me. I know girls need to present a challenge to keep men interested, so I've probably been making things too easy for him so far.

But really, I shouldnt be having to play these mind and power games. Relationships don't have to be like this. The only time people play mind games is when they feel at a disadvantage, when they dont feel they have an equal footing in the relationship, when they dont feel they have enough influence over the other person. I must be deeply insecure, I guess.

I feel so sure though that were I to sleep with him and teach him the delights of sex, he'd realise I was more addictive than his computer. I was probably the same before I'd had sex...probably didnt know what I was missing, probably wondered why my boyfriends were keener than me. Becuase I know what shyboy is missing, and because he and I cant progress towards sex if he wont see me, I'm frustrated. Guess it'll happen in it's own time. He's very kind to me in other ways, it's just... hang on, a knock at my door.

Aww, he just came to make sure I was all ready for my interview, lent me a nice pen and sorted out my collar. How sweet :) Really, he is worth it. After all challenging things are the ones that are worth it, right? Valuable things have a high cost.